by Pamela Wampler

     This Valentine's Day, Patty plans to send herself a card.

     Before you mistake her for a narcissist, let me explain. She's not one to toot her own horn. In fact, when I first met her, she didn't have many positive things to say about herself. Like many women, she feared becoming conceited; this kept her from claiming her own goodness. Now, several months later, she's ready to take steps toward loving herself.

     Is self-love really necessary, you might wonder? Or is it just a pop-psychology excuse for self-indulgence? Based on my personal experience and work with clients, I believe that genuine self-love is necessary and it's not about self-indulgence.

     My argument rests on the meaning of love.

     Psychiatrist M. Scott Peck's definition proves by far the best I have seen. I say this knowing that, as Peck says in his classic bestseller The Road Less Traveled, love is too large and too deep ever to be truly understood or defined. Still, we must try. According to Peck, love is extending one's self to nurture another's - or one's own - spiritual growth. As I see it, love means helping the beloved (including oneself) to become the whole person he or she can be.

     "When we love ourselves, we attend to our own growth," Peck says. This requires attention and care. We listen to ourselves - our needs, thoughts and feelings; our deepest longings; and, above all, our inner wisdom. We make a commitment to ourselves and honor it.

     When we love ourselves, we avoid things that are hurtful or destructive. This means steering clear of people and situations that can harm us physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. We also refrain from harming

     others. When we purposefully hurt them, not only do we violate them but we also hurt ourselves spiritually (although we might not be aware of this).

     However, self-love does not mean the avoidance of all pain. Sometimes pain is

     necessary; it is a part of life. At times, we must be willing to endure it. This is especially true for the discomfort and pain of our own growth.

     As you can see, self-love requires maturity and, as Peck argues, discipline. It's not about indulging in whatever pleases us at the moment, or acting without regard for others.

     Positive perceptions

     Contrary to what you might expect, self-love also requires humility. True humility is not about deprecating ourselves. We don't have to go around apologizing for our existence or chanting "I'm not worthy! I'm not worthy!" True humility means seeing ourselves clearly and accurately - both our positive and negative parts.

     Robert A. Emmons, a professor of psychology at the University of California

     at Davis, researches personality and religion. He describes humility as seeing ourselves as equals with others. Although we might differ in appearance, wealth, education, intelligence, social skills and so on, we remain equal as human beings. Our core worth is the same.

     "To be humble is not to have a low opinion of oneself; it is to have an opinion of oneself that is no better or worse than the opinion one holds of others," says Emmons. Accordingly,

     it means that we keep our talents and accomplishments in perspective, acknowledge our imperfections, and remain free of arrogance as well as low self-esteem.

     On the flip side, self-love also involves narcissism - healthy narcissism, that is. Psychologist Robert Karen, author of The Forgiving Self, says that healthy narcissism is the ability to experience the goodness in oneself. With wounded narcissism, one cannot experience this goodness - at least not in a secure, non-bragging way, Karen says.

     Perfectionism also impairs our ability to love ourselves and others. When we focus on our faults, says spiritual teacher Joyce Rupp, we lose perspective and forget our goodness.

     "When the goal is to be perfect, we can thrash around in our flaws and forget about loving others and sharing our gifts with them," explains Rupp, author of The Cup of Our Life. "We allow the desire to be perfect to oppress us and keep us in bondage to self-preoccupation."

     As you can see, self-love and love for others prove inextricably entwined. Although some people believe that religion prohibits self-love, many spiritual masters and mystics have taught otherwise. St. Anthony, a monk in the early Christian church, told his students, "He who can love himself, loves all."

     Time for reflection

     In her enlightening book Loving-Kindness, Sharon Salzberg discusses the importance of self-love in Buddhism. She describes a classical meditation that focuses on the good we bring to the world. Rather than build conceit, she says this practice strengthens a commitment to true happiness, which is the "basis for intimacy with all of life." Does this not sound exactly like St. Anthony's words?

     As I have suggested, self-love does not mean feeling good about ourselves all the time. Sometimes we won't like the things we think, feel, do and say. We will have regrets and experience guilt. These feelings can help us grow and correct ourselves. If we do this in a spirit of love, we extend compassion toward ourselves. We acknowledge our errors, express remorse and move on, all the wiser. Stewing in guilt and self-loathing only creates more suffering.

     This leads to a baffling paradox: If we want to change, we must try to love ourselves as we are now. I know, it's a challenge. However, in my many miles on this journey, I have found that self-acceptance is possible - just don't be in a hurry.

     In order to grow, we need a climate of love and support. Imagine yourself as a child - a baby learning to crawl or a toddler teetering on wobbly legs. You probably don't recall, but learning to walk is a really hard task. What do you need to do it? Patience, safety, encouragement, praise? That's what you need from yourself as you continue the growth process.

     As I have become more accepting of my own limitations and idiosyncrasies, I have become more understanding and patient with other people. At the same time, I have learned to give myself the same kindness that I give others. Loving self and others no longer feel so at odds. Sometimes they seem reciprocal, an endless circle.

     Recently, a dear friend told me a story of self-love. During a difficult time, my friend left herself a voice mail message. She spoke as she would to a loved one, sharing words of encouragement and admiration. The next day when she checked her messages at work, she heard a strange yet oddly familiar voice. Of course, it was herself. For a second, until this registered, she was at once taken aback and touched by the caring stranger.

     "The words were exactly what I needed to hear," she told me. "We rarely see ourselves with our own heart."

     I imagine Patty returning from her mailbox on Valentine's Day, with card in hand. Will she experience a different view of herself? Will she glimpse Patty from this hidden place of love, compassion and respect?

     "We cannot love ourselves unless we love others, and we cannot love others unless we love ourselves," wrote the late Thomas Merton, a Cistercian monk. His words sparkle like a rare jewel. Take them to heart.

     Books to check out

     - The Forgiving Self , Robert Karen,

     - The Road Less Traveled, M. Scott Peck

     - No Man Is an Island, Thomas Merton

     - The Cup of Our Life, Joyce Rupp

     - Loving-Kindness, Sharon Salzberg

     As a licensed therapist in private practice, Wampler hopes to help people become who they were created to be. You can visit her Web site at www.floweringfromwithin.com.

Article appears as published in the IW issue.